I think I'll just start my post off with the honest to God truth.
I tried to start it off all nice and fluffy and work my way into the meat of it. But, nah.
I've got this friend.
Who I love dearly.
Who scares the ever living daylight out of me.
See, he's the one who always tells me like it is.
All it takes is four little words: "Can I be honest?"
He lives in the Philippines, so I can do a pretty good job pretending like he doesn't exist most of the time.
But this friend recently visited us here in the frozen north. I was convinced he was here to inspire our church family as we work towards a relaunch, and to speak to the students at the Christian school where I'm a teacher. Which he did.
But that's not all he did.
One night I came downstairs after the kids went to sleep to find my friend sitting at the kitchen table having a talk with Trevor.
I went to wash the dishes, but was summoned to join them at the table.
I wasn't sure I could handle what was coming.
My friend looked at me and dropped the bomb:
Of course, I cried.
Because I knew he was right. And I felt this outpouring of emotions I had dammed up inside me. I was angry. Because I was hurt. Which made me ashamed. Which made me defensive. Which made me angrier.
I am angry about the situations out of my control that have caused me and the people around me pain. I have a sense of injustice that creeps up my throat and feels like it's choking me most days.
I am even angrier about the situations in my life that are in my control, that I've created, that cause me and my family pain. These breed such a sense of shame, self-hatred, and worthlessness that makes it difficult somedays to simply put one foot in front of the other.
I'm angry, but I'm not hopeless. Because I know that this is not meant to be my life.
And it doesn't have to be.
It won't be.
I wish this was one of those awesome Jesus blogs that I could tell you I read my Bible and prayed a 37 second prayer and now I'm all better.
But I'm not.
I will probably never be "fixed."
Paul said in Philippians 3 that he hadn't reached perfection:
No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Phil 3:13-14
I'm just at the beginning of a long journey.
But by being honest about it, I've finally taken the first step.
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
― Mark Twain