Tim Horton's: I'm putting you on notice. That's right. I'm calling you out. Right here.
Drawing the line in the proverbial sand. Or snow.
But you would know that. Because you're Canadian.
This "Roll up the Rim" contest? Pure. Garbage.
My issues? One, I need to bring around my own hack saw to get to your secret message hidden in the rim of the cup. Yes. I get it. It's creative to put it in the rim and it gives you such a cute contest title.
But it sucks.
I'm not a muscle man. I do not compete in body building contests. I've never pulled a bus with my teeth or climbed a mountain. I can't fly through walls(I can't really fly anywhere) and I can't shoot spiderweb out of my hands. Evidently, that disqualifies me from being able to see if I've won a lousy cup of coffee because I cannot physically rip apart my cup to divulge these secrets.
Trevor says "use your teeth." So now you not only want me to expend the last tiny smidgen of energy I have remaining in my body to "roll up the rim" (a cute synonym for torture, really) but you want me to hand over the last dangling thread of dignity I have as well?
Ok. But if I don't win after this, I'm punching someone in the face. Or at least threatening to. Which I find myself doing way too much.
I ask of you, what about people with no teeth? Or debilitating arthritis? Or weak thumbs? How will they join in the merriment of the game?
When I finally summon enough super human strength in my thumbs (I have strong thumbs. They're wiry. I've never lost a best-of-five thumb war tournament. ever.) to rip apart my empty cup of coffee (and in the process spilling the dregs all over my fine woolen coat) I'm assaulted with a constant "please play again."
No. I will not play again. I appreciate your effort to be polite, but I still see you as a bunch of jerks, Tim Horton's. I have never won. never. ever. ever.
I'm convinced that in all of Canada, Tim Horton's actually gives out a meager 57 prizes a year. 32 free coffees, 12 muffins, and 13 doughnuts. Shameful. Have you no conscience, Timmy's?
You're dead to me. So I'm going to head over to the nearest kitschy coffee shop with the name that rhymes and pay four dollars more for a coffee just so I don't have to put up with your nonsensical antics any longer. I'll see you in March. Or Wednesday when I meet my friend there for coffee. But I'll get an Iced Capp so I don't have to deal with the crazy nonsense.
P.S.- the candy bits on your Lemon Raspberry Bloom doughnuts get caught in my teeth.