Also, I feel that the church has done a poor job when it comes to helping people cope with pain and tragedy. We have become so uncomfortable with people in pain that we ignore them, which makes them feel deserted and unloved. I wanted to share my story of pain, so that it may encourage us as the Body of Christ to make transparency no longer taboo.
Thank you to all of you who have read my blog over the past few months and given me so much love and encouragement. It's because of you that I felt like I could share my heart. You have my gratitude.
Soon after Ainsley was born we knew we wanted to add to our family. We have two of the most amazing children I have ever met. They are beautiful children with sparkling personalities and a tremendous capability to love. I still am in awe that God has entrusted them into my care.
Still Trevor and I felt like something was missing. More like someone was missing.
On Mother's Day I got an incredible gift. I sat in the bathroom myself willing that second little pink line to make an appearance. And it did. Trevor and I were overwhelmed- with excitement, a little fear, but mostly hope for what the future would hold.
We didn't tell anyone at first about this new little life; it was our little secret. We would lie awake at night in bed dreaming of the future, wondering if we would have a boy or girl, what we would name the baby, who he or she would look like. We prayed for our baby. With earnest hearts we petitioned our Father in Heaven to be near.
A few weeks later we found out we were losing our baby.
Instead of lying in bed hoping and dreaming of the future, we cried tears of sorrow as we prayed to God for peace and comfort.
Earlier that day, I led our church in songs of worship. We sang of God's faithfulness. How we serve a God who never changes. We sang of our love for Him amidst all circumstances.
Trevor preached about pain. About the faithfulness of God in times of suffering.
That day we were not only singing or preaching the message. We were living it.
That night we huddled together in our tears and Trevor offered a prayer to God. He affirmed God's authority in our lives and committed our small, sweet baby into His hands.
When it came my turn to pray, I could only choke out the words of a song I had sung in church just that morning:
I love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow
If ever I loved Thee, My Jesus tis now
Where I had expected to feel anger and anguish, I just felt love.
The reality of God's love for me has never been as strong as that moment. In my brokenness, in my pain, I finally allowed God to just love me.
I often sing about God's love and think that it's enough for everyone else, but not for me. I know how much I've failed God. I know how horrible of a person I am. I know the real me. And I sure as heck know that I don't deserve anything good from God. I've shut myself out from His mercy. From His love for me.
But as I sat on my bed and thought about this little baby whom I already loved- this baby I would never hold- this little child whose eyes I would never look into- my heart broke. And I forgot about my self-imposed requirements to approaching my God.
I simply became a daughter who needed to be loved.
And God met me there. In my darkest moment God's love shone brightest.
It's been a week full of doctors' appointments, ultrasounds, and blood tests since that night. It hasn't been easy. And my pain is still fresh. But I will not question God's faithfulness. Nor will I question His love for me.
God used a moment of my deepest pain to confirm His unending love for me.
I ask that you pray for me and my family during this time. As God mends our broken hearts and restores our joy, I pray that he can use us as an example of His love for all of His children.
And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.